Running From the Past
by True Rayanne Adaire
Summary: Foster Home AU. Castiel Novak has just been put in his fourth foster home in six months. It's his last stop before a group home and he's determined to make it work. But when memories from his dark past come back to haunt him, things get complicated. Enter Dean Winchester into the equation and you get chaos. The boys fall in love...but can they save each other from the past?
1. 1 - Castiel

_Author's Note: Hey guys! I promise I'm going to finish Broken Silence…eventually. I'm having a bit of writers block on that one so it's being pushed to the back burner for a bit. In the meantime, I'm going to be working on this beauty. I'm not exactly sure where the idea came from but it hit me pretty hard at four in the morning and I had to work on it. It's a HS AU and I'm actually trying out something I've never done before with it. I'm going to do a Destiel ship in this one. It's totally not my usual pairing and it's really daunting to write so far but…I'm hoping it works out. Anyways, I hope you guys like it and please review. _

_True Rayanne Adaire_

Warnings: Self-Harm. Suicide attempts. Abuse. (Physical, Sexual, Emotional.) Alcohol. Language.

**Chapter One**

_Castiel_

"I know I'm probably annoying you but I'm really going to need you to at least attempt to last at this place. This is literally the last home that would take you. If you get yourself kicked out of this one I'll have to send you to the Boys Home."

I ignored my caseworker's pleading, choosing instead to stare out at the rain darkened road. Chuck was a good guy, he really was...but I was in no mood to listen to another of his lectures. This was the fourth foster home in six months and, while I could totally understand why he was so nervous, he was starting to piss me off with the constant lectures. I'd heard the same fucking lecture at least twelve times now and I was ready to just strange the dude already. Strangling him wouldn't, of course, do me any good. Probably get me thrown in jail for the rest of my life...but I was beginning to lose faith in my ability to hold my temper anymore. I'd been relatively calm during the four hour drive so far but my patience was wearing thin.

"Castiel are you even paying attention?"

"No. Not really. You've been lecturing me for four hours, Chuck. I stopped listening four hours ago." I replied emotionlessly, giving him an eye roll.

"Cas..."

"Chuck. I get it. Honestly I do. But you're actually starting to piss me off now."

"Fine. I won't argue anymore. Just...promise me you'll do your best here."

"I've promised that six times in the past week. If I have to say it again I'm probably going to punch you."

Chuck gave me an exasperated look but chose not to reply as we pulled into the driveway of what would be my home for the next year or so. It was a small, two story house with a big yard and I wondered suddenly what kind of people these parents would be. Chuck hadn't been very forthcoming with his answers when I'd asked and I was beginning to get the feeling that he was hiding something from me. Not that it mattered really...I'd find out soon anyways. Sighing, I got out of the car and followed Chuck to the door. Before we could knock, a tall blonde woman answered the door. She gave us a smile and greeted Chuck like an old friend before stepping away from the door to let us inside. With one last glance at the outside world, I stepped into the house.

"It's nice to see you again, Chuck. And you must be Castiel."

I bit back a sarcastic retort and settled on, "Yeah. That's me."

Chuck gave me a dark look before smiling at the woman. "Cas this is Ellen. She's your foster mother. Ellen I apologize in advance for him. He can be quite the handful."

Ellen laughed. "It's all right. I've dealt with the Winchester brothers as well as the Milton boys for a few years now. I can handle it, I'm sure."

The name Milton gave me a pause. That was my brothers' last name. Gabriel and Lucifer had been taken from our father a few years before I had been. They couldn't possibly be here. No way. They were the last people I wanted to see. Gabriel and I had been close...once. (That was before he betrayed me.) And Lucifer was an asshole. Even more so than I was. I shook my head, not wanting to think about it anymore. As I came out of my trance, I realized that Ellen was speaking to me again.

"I'll bring you to your room so you can settle in and get to know your roommate while I talk to Chuck."

"Okay."

She gave me another warm smile and led me up the staircase. At the end of a long hallway, she knocked on a door and waited for the boy inside to holler 'Come in!' before entering. When he had, she opened the door and gestured for me to step inside. Reluctantly, I did and she stepped in after me. There were two full size beds in the room, one of them empty, and the other occupied by a boy around my age with short brown hair and green eyes.

"Castiel this is your roommate, Dean Winchester. Dean this is Castiel Novak."

"Cool." the other boy said, glancing up at me from the model car he was busy with.

I didn't respond and she gave me another smile. "This is your bed. Your closet is the door on that hallway. You can go ahead and put your things away and hang out in here until Bobby gets home. I had him pick up some pizza for dinner."

"All right."

"Have fun."

She left, shutting the door behind her and I gave a sigh of relief. I dropped my bags on the floor by my bed and slipped my cell phone out of my pocket. Chuck knew I had it, of course, but I hadn't wanted him to know that it was still turned on. He'd have insisted I give it back and that would have, obviously, resulted in an argument. Besides, my phone was the only way I could contact my best friend Ash and let him know that I was okay. Ash was the one paying for the damn thing in the first place. Sighing, I sent off a text to him and bent to pick one of my bags up. I wasn't planning on putting anything away...I just wanted to read a bit. Pulling out my favorite book, I opened it to where I'd left off and began to read. After a few minutes, the boy on the other bed - I'd forgotten he was even there - spoke up.

"You're not going to put anything away?"

I rolled my eyes. "Nah. It makes it harder to make a clean getaway when I need to."

Dean nodded. "A runner."

"How'd you guess?"

"I'm a runner too. That's why they sent me here. Ellen and Bobby are kind of the masters at keeping kids where they're supposed to be. I've tried to run six times and I've failed six times."

"If I feel I need to run, I'll succeed. No one keeps me anywhere I don't want to be."

Dean grinned. "You're pretty cocky. But I don't think you'll want to leave here. Ellen and Bobby are awesome. The only reason I tried to leave was 'cause of my little brother. They brought him here, though so I don't have any reason."

"I'll be the judge of whether or not I like them. How many other guys are here?"

He frowned, mentally counting. "There are six of us in all. There's the Milton brothers, Gabe and his twin brother Lucifer. Kevin Tran. Sam. Me. And now you."

My stomach dropped. Gabriel and Balthazar were here then. Great. I had one of two choices. I could stay here and deal with them or I could run and risk getting caught. Unfortunately, before I could run I was interrupted by the assholes themselves.

"Hey there little brother." I groaned, looking up into my brother's golden eyes...


	2. 2 - Dean

_Author's Note: Hey guys! Here's the next chapter for you all. I'm glad you guys like it so much. I did get a review letting me know that I'd accidently put in Balthazar's name at the end instead of Lucifer's. Sorry about that. Originally, I had intended for Lucifer to be the 'evil older brother' and for Balthazar to be the cool one but I changed my mind at the last minute. There's quite a bit happening in this chapter…told through Dean's eyes of course. I've decided to add another pairing to this one…one I've never read before but that I've had in interest in for a while. If you guys like the way it goes, I'll do a sequel to this story with them as the main characters. The new pairing is an Ash/Jo pairing. Not sure where it came from but I absolutely love it. Anyways, here's the chapter. I hope you enjoy it. _

_True Rayanne Adaire_

**Chapter One**

_Dean_

"Hey there little brother."

I heard a small, shocked gasp and glanced up. Gabriel and Lucifer Milton stood in the doorway, wearing nearly identical grins. Castiel, the new kid, was staring at them with a mixture of shock and horror that was nearly comical. Except it wasn't comical because the new kid looked like he was about to run off. Something with Lucifer seemed to notice because the smile wiped off his face faster than I'd thought possible. He and Gabriel stepped inside and shut the door behind them before looking back at the smaller guy.

"Cas…"

Castiel glared at them, not saying a word. Gabriel gave a sigh, leaning against the wall. After a heartbeat, he took a lollipop out of his pocket and stuck it in his mouth. Lucifer, ever the smart one, was the one to speak.

"Castiel…we get it you're pissed at us. And you have every right to be. But you have to understand something."

At this, Castiel's bright blue eyes flashed with anger. "What I understand is that you two abandoned me! You knew what he was like! You knew what he would do to me and you left me behind!"

Lucifer growled, his eyes narrowing. Beside him, Gabriel stood up straight…suddenly looking incredibly serious. That didn't happen very often. Even more shocking was the fact that he removed the lollipop from his mouth. He never took his candy away from his mouth. Ever.

"He promised us he'd leave you alone. He…he made us leave because he said it was our fault. That you would be better off without us. What. Did. He. Do. To. You?!" Gabriel's voice was a low growl, his hands balled into shaking fists at his sides.

"He lied Gabe. Whatever he told you was a lie. I spent a year being beaten and degraded every single moment of the day. There were nights he wouldn't even let me sleep!"

Lucifer growled suddenly, his face red. "I'll kill him. I. Will. Kill. Him."

Castiel glanced at him and took a step forward, looking a little scared. "Stop. Luci…you can't do anything to him. He's in jail. I…just why? Why couldn't you at least have told me you were leaving?"

"He wouldn't let us. If we had tried to tell you, he would have killed one or both of us. And then things would have been a million times worse for you."

Castiel sighed, sinking down onto the bed. "I'm sorry." He whispered, looking up at them.

"It's all right. We're sorry too. We should have taken you with us." Gabriel said, sitting beside him.

They were quiet for a few moments and I continued working on my model, pretending not to pay any attention to the brothers. After a few minutes, Lucifer's voice started again. He was grinning this time and his words made Castiel laugh.

"Your friend comes over here all the time by the way. Ash something or other. He's been dating Ellen's daughter Jo for a while now. Strange one that kid."

"That's almost funny. Ash said he had a girlfriend but I didn't actually believe him. I figured it was one of his pranks. He's always been more into his computers than girls."

Gabriel grinned. "He's pretty into Jo. It's kind of funny to see actually. Cute couple…if a little weird."

"Ash dating anyone is weird, Gabriel." Castiel said, raising his eyebrows.

"Point taken."

"Bobby's home guys. We should head downstairs." Lucifer said, listening to the usual sounds of Bobby's arrival.

"You comin' Winchester?" Gabriel asked and I glanced away from the Impala I was working on.

"Yeah, I guess so. Paint has to dry anyways."

I stood, stretching a bit before heading towards the door. I'd been sitting on the bed for hours working on the model car and my body was a little stiff. Castiel gave me a grin as we walked downstairs together and I smiled back hesitantly.

"Sorry about that. I…wasn't expecting them."

"It's all right. Eventually you'll have to hear Sam and I fight and you'll take that apology back really quickly."

He laughed. "I look forward to it."

"You shouldn't. Fights between Sam and I usually end in screaming matches and sometimes broken body parts."

"Typical brothers then. Sounds like Luci and Gabe. Twins they may be…but they're most often found fighting."

I laughed. "Yeah, I've noticed. They argued over a movie last weekend and Gabe threw a candy bar and Lucifer's head. Was funny until Lucifer took Gabe's candy stash and threw it away…then it got bad."

Castiel laughed and I felt my stomach flutter. "They did that back at home. Lucifer knows better than to mess with Gabe's candy. That is pretty much the only way to piss him off."

"Yeah…I've noticed. They're pretty cool guys, though. Even though Lucifer has a habit of pretending to be Satan and scaring the shit outta the lady that lives down the street. Bobby jokes that he's not allowed outside anymore."

Castiel laughed again. "He went to church once and stated that he was the Dark Lord Satan. I thought Balthazar was going to kill him right then and there."

I laughed and he looked at me. "That sounds like Lucifer all right. He's pretty out there. But he's pretty awesome."

"Once in a while." Castiel conceded, grinning as we got downstairs.

"Hey Bobby. How was work?" I asked as we came into the kitchen where Bobby was sitting at the table with a beer.

"Pretty good. You comin' down to the shop any time soon?"

"Tomorrow maybe. I dunno yet."

"Sounds good. This must be Castiel."

Castiel nodded. "That's me."

"Nice to meet ya kid. I'm Bobby. Ellen's husband."

"Nice to meet you too."

Bobby and Ellen turned to a conversation and I leaned against the counter, grabbing a piece of pizza while Castiel looked on nervously. Discreetly – or I hoped it was discreet at least - I watched Castiel. I couldn't deny that he was gorgeous. Even if I hadn't known that I was bisexual for three years now I would've guessed it looking at him. His eyes were blue and so deep you could practically get lost in them. His hair was black, almost unnaturally so, and messy as it lay on his head, falling into his eyes in some points. He wore a pair of black jeans and a black hoodie and he was bloody gorgeous even though it was a little strange that he'd wear a hoodie in the middle of summer. Sighing, I grabbed another piece of pizza and rubbed my forehead. I absolutely could not have a thing for the new guy. This could not happen in any universe. He'd never be interested in someone like me for one thing. I was a failure and a screw up and I was hated. And he probably had his own mess of problems for another thing. I was fucked. Fucked beyond belief. And the worst part? I didn't think I could stop it from happening…


	3. 3 - Castiel

_Author's Note: Hey guys. Here's Chapter Three. We're back in Castiel's point of view for this chapter. There's a night terror in this one...and if you're easily triggered, I'll warn you now so that you can just skip over that part. Ash and Jo may make an appearance in this one but I'll see if I can fit it in. If not they'll definitely be in the next chapter. I hope you guys enjoy it and please review. _

_True Rayanne Adaire_

**Chapter Three**

_Castiel_

We stayed up until one in the morning, talking and laughing with Gabe and Luci before Bobby sent us all off to bed. Gabe and Luci headed off to bed with grins and promises of fun for the next day and I couldn't help but to smile at them. Dean and I headed for our own bedroom, talking quietly as we got dressed for bed. Or...undressed in Dean's case. My roommate, it seemed, liked sleeping in nothing but his boxers which was definitely not against any of my rules. I slipped on a pair of baggy sweats and a long sleeved shirt, ignoring Dean's curious look at the scars that covered nearly every inch of my skin. Maybe someday I'd tell him how I got them but not right yet. I wasn't about to scare him away by telling him that I'd slit my skin open because I was a freak. That would come later. When we were both ready for bed, Dean flipped the light off and went to sleep easily. It took me three hours to fall asleep and when I did nothing good came out of it.

"_I'm going to make you scream my name until your throat is raw."_

_Balthazar's voice was little more than a whisper but it felt like he was screaming. He loomed above me, naked and ugly and I wanted to scream as he began to pull my clothes off, rubbing hands on the most intimate parts of my body as he went. Leaning down, he put his lips at my neck and bit down hard enough to make me nearly scream. When I didn't scream, he put a hand between my legs and stroked my penis softly until it was painfully erect. My body was betraying me, lighting up at his every fucking touch and it disgusted me. I felt the tears coming as he continued to play with me, kissing my lips and my neck and forcing my body to react to him - _

"Cas! Cas buddy wake up."

My eyes snapped open and I sat up, looking around the too-bright room. Dean sat on the edge of my bed, looking worriedly down at me. Taking a deep breath, I pulled my hand through my hair and pushed the blankets off. My skin felt tight, itchy and I knew what I had to do but I couldn't do it. Not with Dean watching my every move. I clenched my hands into fists as the itching got worse and worse, my skin begging for the familiar sting of my blade against the scarred skin.

"I'm sorry. I...you shouldn't have had to see that." I said, my face turned away from him.

"It's all right. I have 'em too once in a while. Sammy does too. I've heard Lucifer screaming at night as well. You aren't the only one."

"You shouldn't have had to see it regardless. What was I doing that woke you up?"

"You were whimpering. Biting yourself when I turned the light on."

Goddammit. He probably thought I was some kind of freak now. "I'll uh...I'll work on being quieter from now on."

"It's all right. I swear."

I sighed, not speaking, and went to grab my blade from one of my bags. It didn't matter anymore if Dean could see, I was going to go nuts if I didn't cut. My skin was itching so badly I felt like I was going to explode. His eyes followed me as I pulled it out and I felt him staring as I dragged the blade across the smooth skin of my legs, sighing in content as the itch disappeared. When I was done, I pressed an old handkerchief against my leg and slipped the blade back into my bag. There were fourteen new cuts on each leg and I glanced up at Dean, suddenly worried that he was going to start yelling for Bobby or Ellen. He didn't.

"Please don't tell anyone about that. I...shouldn't have done that in front of you but I couldn't help it. I really couldn't..." I rambled, not meeting his eyes.

He slipped a finger under my chin, forcing me to look at him. "It's okay. I won't say anything. Can't...I do the same thing once in a while."

"Thank you."

We stared into each other's eyes for a long moment before our lips met. I don't know who started the kiss but it lasted for what felt like years before he pulled away, looking shocked and scared and my heartbeat raced. _'Cas you're an idiot. Why did you do that?!' _I yelled at myself as he stumbled away, back into his own bed. I never went back to sleep.


	4. 4 - Dean

_Author's Note: Hey guys! Three updates in less than two days. That must be a record for me! Lol I'm having a lot of fun with this story so far. I'm going to try and work in a scene with Ash and Jo sometime really soon but if I don't get to that I'll make sure I post a sequel all about them. This chapter is through Dean's eyes. You'll get to see what he thinks about that kiss and hear a little bit about his and Sam's past. Excited? I am. Let's get to it. I hope you enjoy the story and remember to review. _

_True Rayanne Adaire_

**Chapter Four**

_Dean_

I woke the next morning to the sound of the door banging open. Groggily, I glanced up to see Lucifer standing in the doorway, looking both highly amused and confused all at the same time. I sat up, pushing my hair away from my eyes and raised an eyebrow at him. He took that as an invitation to come in and bother me and sat down on the edge of my bed.

"Why are you disturbing my sleep again?" I asked, reaching down to pick up my model car I'd been working on the day before.

"We need to talk." he said simply.

I raised an eyebrow. "Obviously. What about?"

"My little brother."

"What about him?" I asked, a little worried.

"You kissed him…and then ran away. Why?"

I paused, wondering if I should just tell him the truth or make something up. Lying to Lucifer wasn't the easiest thing in the world…and I was half asleep so that ruled lying out. But at the same time I didn't want to tell the truth. That normally got me in trouble.

"I was scared." I said simply, choosing to leave it at that.

Lucifer sighed, giving me a hard look. "Of what, exactly? And do not bother lying to me. You're not nearly a good enough liar."

I took a deep breath and purposefully looked down at the model car. "I've only ever kissed one person. It ended badly. Really, really badly. Besides…"

"You don't think you're good enough for my brother." Lucifer cut in, rolling his eyes at me.

"How did you know that?"

"I can just tell. You're being ridiculous Dean. If my little brother didn't think you were good enough that kiss would not have happened. Trust me. Castiel…is not a nice person. He's rejected people before. Why don't you try giving him a chance to make the decision for himself?"

"I…okay."

"Good. Now come downstairs. Ash and Jo are here and Ellen made pancakes. There's bacon."

"All right."

Lucifer grinned and followed me out of the room. I could hear the others downstairs already. Gabriel was talking to Sam, Bobby and Ellen were arguing, and Ash was talking to Jo. Castiel, it seemed, was silent. That in itself did not surprise me. Castiel was not a loud person. What did surprise me was that Ash and Jo were attempting to talk to him and Cas was simply fixing them with a blank stare. Lucifer gave me a pointed look and moved over to join Gabriel and Sam. I thought for a moment before taking a seat next to Ash.

"Hey there Dean-o. What's up?"

"Ash. I've told you a million times that my name is not Dean-o. Charlie calls me that because she's my sister. You are not." I gave him a pointed look and he laughed.

"Snippy this morning. Babe, get him some coffee. I don't think he's awake yet."

Jo rolled her eyes, kissing Ash as she stood up. "Dean doesn't drink coffee. He drinks orange juice."

"Then get him that. Dude needs to wake up before I talk sense into him."

At that, Castiel groaned. "Ash…do I really have to sit through this? I'd much rather be elsewhere."

"No can do. You stay right where you are or I tie you to that chair. Best friend or not."

Castiel rolled his eyes and lay his head in his arms as Jo came back with two glasses of orange juice. She handed one to me and the other to herself. I leaned back in my chair, drinking the juice quietly and refusing to even look at Castiel. A fact which Ash noticed.

"All right. So this kiss." He told me, raising an eyebrow.

"Ash. Don't." Castiel said, looking at the floor.

"Shut up Cas. Why did you run Winchester? Best friend rights say I should kick your ass for that one. Instead, I'm prepared to hear you out."

I rested my head on my knees. "I was scared."

"Of what exactly?" Jo asked, keeping her voice down.

"Of a lot of things. None of which I really feel like expressing at the moment."

"Winchester here doesn't think he's good enough for Cassie." Lucifer said in a whisper from somewhere behind me.

"That's ridiculous." Castiel said, raising his eyebrows at me.

"It's not actually. My entire life I've been told that I'm not good enough. It's a common thought for me."

"Well it's ridiculous. And if I'd known that was what you were thinking, I would have pulled you back and kissed you again. Dumbass."

"Cas…"

"No arguments. I'm not letting you slip away that easy."

I stared at him, not knowing exactly how to explain to him that I was bad news. Somehow, I didn't think I was going to be able to tell him that without having my head bitten off. Sighing, I decided to see how this played out. I would probably end up getting hurt but…maybe not. Maybe this could work…


	5. 5 - Castiel

_Author's Note: Hey guys! It's been a couple days since my last update. Sorry about that. I've been kinda busy lately. This chapter is through Castiel's eyes (of course) and we get to see a little bit of Dean's past. Most of the chapter is centered on just the two of them. Anyways, I hope you like it and remember to review. You guys are the best. _

_True Rayanne Adaire_

**Chapter Five**

_Castiel_

The next few days were simple. Dean and I spent most of our days with Gabriel and Lucifer or Ash and Jo. Our nights, which usually started at around 10:30 when we retreated to our own bedroom, usually consisted of music and talking and once in a while cuddling. Things were going pretty good overall. Dean's confidence levels were still low and he had the annoying habit of telling me that I could find better than him, (He was being ridiculous by the way) but he'd stopped pushing me away. Our routine consisted like this for two weeks. On Friday, my second week of living there, Ellen and Bobby took the other boys – and Jo – to a festival in town. They offered to take us but Dean and I chose to stay behind. Dean because he said he wanted to work on his models a little more and me because I didn't really feel like spending the day around people. Really, and I think Bobby at least knew it, we just wanted to spend time together. Alone. They left at 8 in the morning, leaving Dean and I with the house to ourselves. Dean went to his brother's bedroom and retrieved an old laptop. Grinning, he set it down and pulled out a stack of DVD's and told me to join him on his bed. He'd put his model car away and was holding back the blankets so that I could climb in next to him. Smiling a little, I did as I was asked. He slipped the first DVD in and pulled me against his chest. It was an older version of Batman and I had to laugh.

"What's so funny?" he asked and I laughed again.

"It's just predictable. I should have figured that you'd want to watch Batman first."

He sighed. "You've been talking to Sam, haven't you?"

"Yeah. He told me all about your obsession with Batman."

"Well, I'll have you know that he's obsessed with Superman. Has been since he was like three."

"He told me that too."

"Oh hush and watch the movie."

"What if I don't want to? What if I'd rather kiss you?"

"Then do it."

Twisting in his arms, I pressed our lips together and kissed him deeply. For a moment, he was shocked before he responded to my kiss with a kiss of his own. His kiss sent a ball of warmth radiating through my heart and into my stomach. It was like…fireworks going off inside of me and I had to break the kiss to smile. I'd honestly never felt like that before and, even though it was strange and unfamiliar, I loved it. I loved the feeling I got when doing something as simple as resting my forehead against his to stare into his eyes.

"You're amazing." I whispered, kissing his forehead softly.

"I'm not. But you are."

"Trust me Dean…you're amazing."

His green eyes darkened a little and he slid them from my own. "I'm not amazing. Cas…I'm broken and ruined. Not amazing."

"You're not broken and you're definitely not ruined."

He looked away again, sighing. "Cas…there is no one on this earth that's more broken than I am."

"Why do you think these things? They're so wrong it isn't even funny…"

He rested his head on my shoulder before speaking, his voice low. "It's not really me I guess…more like my dad's voice in my head telling me shit since he ain't around to say it anymore. Dad and Alastair that is."

"I've heard about your Dad from Sam. He's wrong Dean. You are nothing like what he told you. You raised Sam almost completely on your own. That takes a good person. You know…Sam says you're still the only person he really listens to. Gabriel and Lucifer like you. They hardly like anyone. Literally. They're more antisocial than I am. Ash loves you and that's even more surprising since he's an antisocial genius with very few real friends. And I…I love you. It may be too soon to say it but I do and I don't care."

Dean didn't speak, he kept his head on my shoulder.

"Who's Alastair? You've never mentioned him."

At this, he looked up at me. His normally bright green eyes were clouded with pain and he had to blink back tears before responding. "Are you sure you want to know?"

"Of course I'm sure."

He sighed. "Alastair is this guy I went to school with. He…uh…he was a bully. I was always on his bad side but he…he ended up kidnapping me. Six months before I came here, he kidnapped me. Kept me in the basement of his house. His parents were drunks…and they were never home so he didn't have to worry about getting caught. The scars on my back? He did those with a metal tipped whip. He'd whip me until I was bleeding and then he'd sit there and talk to me for hours on end. I escaped after six months and he…he shot himself before the police got there. He…he broke me Cas. You don't want someone that's been through that…"

I pulled him closer, resting my chin atop his head. "I do want you. I told you…I told you I loved you and I do. What he did to you was not your fault. You didn't ask for it. If I'm pissed at anyone it's him for doing that to you."

"I love you too. You deserve better but…but I love you and I don't want you to leave."

The words were little more than a whisper and I found myself pulling back to look at him. Kissing him again I whispered, "I'm never leaving you. Not now. Not ever. I promise."

He nodded, searching my face before he pulled me down to lay on top of him. I rested my head against his chest and listened to his heartbeat as he fell asleep again. The movie lay, unwatched, at the foot of the bed. We were still laying like that when Lucifer burst through the doors, shouting.

"GABRIEL IS IN THE HOSPITAL. SOMEONE…SOMEONE SHOT AT SAM AND GABRIEL JUMPED IN THE WAY AND…GET YOUR ASSES DOWNSTAIRS. NOW!"


	6. 6 - Dean

_Author's Note: Hey guys! I was originally going to make you wait…but this chapter wouldn't leave me alone so I finished it early. Because I have absolutely no idea of how to make you guys wait…I decided to just give it to you. So…without further ado…here it is. Chapter Six. What happened to Gabe? Will he live? Uh-Oh…you should probably read on. Thanks for reading guys. I love you all. Leave a review? _

_True Rayanne Adaire_

**Chapter Six**

_Dean_

Everyone was tense and quiet as we drove to the hospital. Cas rode with Sam and I in my car…the '67 Chevy Impala Bobby had helped me fix up. Sam rode in the backseat, his knees drawn up to his chest, while Cas rode beside me. Silently, I reached over and took his hand. He flashed a worried smile over at me as he squeezed it. We were still silent when Sam spoke, his voice breaking in strange places.

"I'm sorry…I didn't mean to get Gabe killed…"

"Dean. Pull over." Cas ordered, his face expressionless.

"Cas…"

"Just pull over Dean."

I did as he asked and watched in silence as he got out and climbed around to sit next to Sam. My little brother was crying into a ratty old hoodie that I knew had belonged to Gabe. Cas hugged him for a long minute and then pulled back to give him a smile.

"You didn't get him killed. Gabe chose to throw himself in front of you…correct?"

"Yeah but…he only did it 'cause…"

"Why?"

"Well…I'm not supposed to say anything because there are a few years between us but…you're our brothers and I don't think he'd be mad at me. Gabe and I…I love him and he loves me. We started dating a few months ago but only Lucifer knew 'cause they're twins and I…I…he didn't want John to get me so he threw himself in front of the bullet and…I'm sorry!"

Cas chuckled, pulling my brother in for another hug. "Sam…you're not at fault. And I'm sure Gabriel will be just fine. He's stronger than he looks. This is not your fault. You…you knew the guy that shot at you?"

Sam nodded, meeting my eyes in the mirror. "He's my dad. John Winchester. He's not supposed to be near us but he keeps finding us and…I'm sorry Castiel. This…this is my fault."

"It's not. You're safe and that's what matters. Gabriel will be just fine. Let's get to the hospital to see him, all right?"

Sam nodded and Cas climbed back into the front seat again. It took me a minute to start breathing again…to be able to drive. My dad…my dad had done this. He'd shot at my little brother…had shot Gabe. Yeah, Gabriel was annoying at times but he was still one of my best friends and I…John had tried to kill him. My own father. I'd known he hated us but this…this was a new low. Cas touched my arm, taking my attention away from my anger and I looked over at him. His bright blue eyes were filled with concern. Not pity. Concern. My heart jumped and he leaned in to kiss me softly before taking my hand in his own again. I started the car and drove the rest of the way to the hospital, Cas' hand never leaving my own. Bobby was waiting in the parking lot with Lucifer when we got there.

"Has there been any word yet?" Sam asked, not looking at Lucifer. Lucifer noticed.

"Not yet Sammy. It's not your fault…you know that right?" Lucifer said, coming to stand in front of Sam.

"It was my dad that did it, though. He wanted me. Me not Gabe. If I would have let him…"

"Stop that. Now. Gabriel wouldn't have let that happen even if you'd have begged him. He loves you Sam. This. Was. Not. Your. Fault. I know my twin. Better than anyone else does. And I know he'd never have let John hurt you. Ever."

Sam's eyes teared up and Bobby cleared his throat. "You boys stayin' out here or comin' in?"

"We'll stay out here. Cas doesn't do well with hospitals and I…I can't see him like that." Lucifer said, wrapping an arm around Sam's shoulder.

"All right. I'll come out when there's been any news."

"Thank you Bobby." Cas said, speaking up for the first time since we'd gotten to the hospital.

"Not a problem."

Bobby retreated and, as soon as he was in the hospital, Cas turned and buried his face in my chest. I wrapped my arms around him, holding him close and he breathed deeply. For a long minute, we stood like that. Sam and Lucifer were talking in the background but I was tuning them out, concentrating on the warmth of Cas in my arms to keep me calm. If I let myself think about what was happening, I would explode and something bad would happen and I couldn't let that happen. After a moment, Cas pulled back to look at my face.

"Are you all right?" he whispered and I shook my head.

"My dad did this. My own fucking father. He…he…I knew he hated me but I didn't think he hated me this much. I…I'm sorry Cas. If Gabe dies…I'll take the blame for this."

Cas rolled his eyes before placing a hard kiss on my lips. "Shut up Dean. You are no more to blame than Sam is. Whatever John did is on him. He's the idiot that shot at his own son. It was Gabriel's choice to step in front of Sam. Stop blaming yourself for things that are not your fault."

"Cas…"

"He's right Dean. You didn't do this. You had no idea John was even here. Both of you stop blaming yourselves. Gabe'll be fine. He has to be."

Cas hugged me again and this time I didn't pull away. We were still standing like that when Jo came running out, Ash on her heels. Lucifer nudged me and I turned, my heart in my throat.

"Is he okay?" Lucifer asked, sounding for the first time like the sixteen year old kid he was.

"He'll be okay with time. He's sleeping now…just got out of surgery. We can see him tomorrow. Bobby wants everyone but Lucifer and maybe Cas to go home and sleep."

Cas smiled, nudging Sam with his hand. "You go with Lucifer, Sam. If Gabe wants to see anyone when he wakes up it'll be you."

Sam's face lit up. "Are you sure? He's your brother?"

"We're triplets…I can see him and Luci whenever I want. Besides, I want to spend the night with Dean."

"Thank you!"

Lucifer and Cas hugged briefly before they took off for the hospital. I smiled, taking Cas' hand as we headed back to the car.

"That was nice of you." I commented, turning the radio down.

"It was the truth."

"He appreciated it. And I did too. You made my little brother a very happy person."

"I like Sam. He's a good person."

"I didn't know you guys were triplets."

Cas laughed. "Yeah…we don't look much alike. I'm the youngest…technically speaking. And the smallest. Even Gabriel is bigger than me. It's embarrassing."

I grinned. "I like your size. You're cute."

He kissed me, rolling his eyes as we got out of the car.

"I love you Dean." Was all he said.

'_I love you too Castiel…' _


	7. 7 - Castiel

_Author's Note: Hey guys! Another update so soon? Yeah, I got a little bored and this chapter needed to be written so here ya go. We get to see a tiny bit of Sam/Gabriel in this chapter but not much. I do have a prequel for them so I can't reveal too much about them or there won't be a point to the prequel. Anyways, thanks for reading and remember to review. Every view and review counts. _

_True Rayanne Adaire_

**Chapter Seven**

_Castiel_

The next morning we woke up early to head to the hospital. It was way earlier than our normal wake up times which resulted in a lot of stumbling around and muttered curses. Bobby, who had been up for hours, laughed when Dean fell down the stairs. Dean, predictably, growled back and launched himself to his feet again. Bobby and Ellen handed us each a donut and Dean made some coffee for the road before we left. (I got a strange look from Dean and a laugh from Ellen when I said I didn't like coffee.) Soon, we were on our way back to the hospital in Dean's car. The drive wasn't long…but I still somehow managed to fall asleep on the way there. Laughing, Dean woke me up.

"Come on sleeping beauty. We've gotta go inside to see Gabe."

"Oh. Yeah."

Dean wrapped and arm around my shoulders as we walked inside after noticing that Bobby and Ellen were nowhere to be seen. Gabe was up on the fourth floor in room 408. Dean went for the elevators at first but I steered him to the stairs…needing time before I went to see him. Lucifer had called from the hospital the previous night and said that Gabriel looked…bad. I needed time to prepare myself for that. Still, when we entered the room, Gabe was awake and he didn't look that bad. Pale, and a little worried…but not bad. Sam was curled on his right side, his head resting on Gabe's chest. Gabe was running his hand through Sam's long hair, watching the younger boy sleep and I had to smile. At my side, Dean smiled too.

"Hey Cassie." Gabe said and I rolled my eyes at the familiar nickname.

"It's Cas. Cassie is a nerdy five year old." I replied and Lucifer laughed.

"Cassie. You'll always be our Cassie."

"Whatever. How was your night?" I asked, changing the subject before they could be even more embarrassing.

"Long. The nurses kept trying to kick Sam out of my bed. I had to threaten to call Bobby before they would stop."

Lucifer scoffed. "Actually, I did call Bobby. He came down and told them to leave you guys alone."

Gabe looked affronted. "He's not supposed to know about us!"

There was a deep chuckle from the door. "You guys are not good at secret keeping. I've known about you and Sam since day one. Castiel and Dean are no better."

Dean laughed as Gabe and I gave each other identical looks of horror. "But…isn't there some policy about that?" I asked, only to get another smirk in response.

"Yeah…but it's a stupid rule and not one we're prone to listening. Not in these cases anyways. So far, they've been productive relationships. If you guys had been abusive or something to each other, we would have put a stop to it. But you've helped each other so it's okay." Ellen answered, leaning against the door.

"How've we helped each other?" Dean asked, raising an eyebrow at her.

"You open each other up. When you and Sam first got here, Sam was too quiet. He didn't talk. Gabe opened him up. Sam…he gave Gabe a reason to keep going here. It's sort of the same with you and Cas…except Cas keeps you calm. Steady."

I thought about that while Dean pulled back to his side. It was true, actually. Just last week, Dean and one of the neighbor boys had gotten into a fight and I'd been able to calm him down relatively quickly. Sam insisted that it had never been done before and that I was some kind of angel. If the kid really knew me…he'd know that I'm definitely not an angel.

"Can we shut up? I'm sleeping here." Sam's groggy voice said and we laughed.

"Wake up my Sammich. I want to see your beautiful face."

Sam grinned, opening his eyes to look at Gabe. "Someone's feeling better." He commented.

"I am. Which reminds me. The next time you apologize for something that isn't your fault, I'm going to kiss you senseless. You hear me?"

"Yes Gabe."

"Good."

Gabe kissed Sam's forehead and then grinned around at the rest of us. By the window, Lucifer rolled his eyes. As we stood, talking quietly, someone entered the room behind Bobby and Ellen. Michael. Our eldest brother. Only a year or two older than Balthazar, he'd escaped to college right after our parents' died…leaving us with an abusive asshole. He'd never looked back…or called or even checked on us. Immediately Lucifer and I went to stand in front of Gabe's bed, identical looks of anger on our faces.

"What are you doing here?" Lucifer asked, his voice deceptively calm.

"I heard what happened. I just…I just wanted to check on you guys."

"You lost that right when you left us with Balthazar."

"What do you mean? He…I didn't…"

"You left us with Balthazar. You didn't even bother to check on us after you ran off to college! We spent a fucking year and a half being beaten and…and worse by him. There was no one to fucking help us and you ran off!" Lucifer was practically yelling now, his face lit up with fury I'd never seen there before.

"Luc…I did check up on you guys. Tried at least. Balthazar wouldn't answer the door when I came…he'd never answer the phone. I…I even tried calling the police but he fooled them. I never fucking gave up on you guys! When I heard you were in a foster home, I searched for you guys for months before Cas got taken too and I found out who his social worker was."

I was flabbergasted. We'd thought Michael had left us behind…that he didn't care. Was it at all possible that he had? That we was just as much of a victim to Balthazar's shit as we were? I glanced at Lucifer to my brother struggling to understand it just as much as I was. Behind us, Gabe coughed and asked us to move aside. Still holding Sam, he stared at our brother for a long moment before speaking…


	8. 8 - Dean

_Author's Note: Hey guys! Sorry about the cliffie there. I couldn't resist. Anyways, here's the next chapter. I've decided that Michael is gonna be one of the good guys. Someone else is gonna come along pretty soon that isn't so good, though. I'm not so happy with this chapter but I thought I'd post it anyways. You guys deserved an update for being such amazing readers. Thanks for reading and remember to review. Love you guys!_

_True Rayanne Adaire_

**Chapter Eight**

_Dean_

"I forgive you. Can't say anything for my brothers…but I forgive you. Balthazar was an asshole. He…it sounds like exactly the kind of shit he'd pull."

Gabe's voice was calm and sure when he spoke, earning him an incredulous look from Lucifer. Cas was staring at the newcomer as though he didn't know whether to punch him or hug him. He did neither. Instead, he gave a barely perceptible nod to the guy and came back to stand at my side. I wrapped an arm around his waist as Lucifer walked up to him. Though it was obvious that the newcomer was older than him, Lucifer towered over him. His face was alight with something I'd never seen before. It wasn't anger...but it wasn't anything nice either. When he spoke, his voice was low and dangerous and Cas shivered into me when he heard it.

"You come in here…after five fucking years. Five years. And you think you're forgiven?! If you really fucking cared about us you'd have called Social Services yourself. Taken us away from him. You would have done something besides sit there and let him do that shit to us! Do you know what he did? Do you?!"

"Luci…Michael doesn't need to hear this." Gabe cautioned, eyes wide.

Michael held up a hand. "Let him. Let him tell me."

There was a coldness in his voice, an uncaring that set my teeth on edge. Lucifer reacted to it with a sharp hiss.

"He raped us. Every fucking night for years after you left. And then, when he forced Gabe and I out of the house, he did even worse shit to Cas. I don't think even I want to know what he did to Cassie. Every night for five fucking years I had to listen to Cas and Gabriel screaming for him to stop! While you were in fucking college I was trying to protect OUR FAMILY! Do you have any fucking idea how it felt to watch that? To hear that?! I couldn't do a damn thing to protect them but you could have! You could have fucking stopped him and you didn't!"

Michael's eyes filled with tears as Lucifer poised himself to punch him. In a flash, moving so fast I'd barely seen him, Cas moved to stand in front of Lucifer's arm. His movement stopped him in his tracks. Breathing hard, Lucifer stepped back, eyes narrowed on his older brother even as Castiel was talking.

"They both have their points. I'll never forgive you Michael. Never. Because Lucifer was right…you could have done something. You chose not to. But I won't cast you aside either. You're still my brother. Just…just leave me alone. Leave Lucifer alone. You're my brother and I love you…but I don't want you around. Visit Gabriel if you must but don't expect to visit me."

Satisfied with what he'd said, Castiel turned back to me and took my hand. He led me gently out of the hospital and down to the car before letting go of the emotions he'd been holding in. I wrapped my arms around his small frame, holding him close as he sobbed against my chest. I couldn't imagine how that must feel, to watch his brothers like that and be unable to stop it…but when he looked up at me, his bright blue eyes filling with more pain than I could've survived, I felt his pain take root in my own chest. For a long moment, he held me without speaking and I didn't speak either. When he spoke, his voice was soft, barely audible.

"I'm sorry you had to see that Dean. You…you shouldn't have had to see that."

I sighed, pressing a kiss to his hair. "It's okay Cas. It's not like I haven't seen Lucifer go off before. Besides…I said I love you. That's what love is. It's being there for the person you love through this shit."

"Still…I wish I hadn't even had to see it. Much less you. Lucifer and Michael have never gotten along…Michael just made it ten times worse when he went to college. I can see Gabe's point…but Lucifer was right. Michael could have done so much more for us than he did. Instead, he ran off to college and left it to Lucifer to protect us all."

I pulled him in a little tighter. "Did he…did he know what Balthazar was doing?"

Cas nodded against my chest. "Yeah. He said he'd be back…but he never came back. He never even called after he left. Lucifer…he went through even more than Gabe and I did. He's always been…protective. He thinks it's his job to watch out for Gabe and I…and when Balthazar was doing what he…what he did…he couldn't stop him. It tore him up pretty bad. It's part of why I was so easily able to forgive them. Lucifer deserved to get out."

"So did you."

He paused and then shook his head. "Not really. I…I was a pretty fucked up person. Between cutting and…and partying…and the sleeping around I did…I was quite a bit worse than the others. I…I sort of deserved everything I got."

Pushing him back, I took his face in my hands and stared into his eyes. There was so much pain there that it nearly sent me to my knees. How could someone so fucking _beautiful _have so much pain inside them? It hurt to see it and it was right then that I made my decision. The decision was an easy one. To take care of him, to take that pain out of his eyes no matter the cost. I would do whatever it took to take his pain away.

"Castiel Novak you stop that. You didn't deserve what he did. I love you. I love you more than I love anyone else in this world besides maybe Sam. You deserve everything good in this world…none of what you've gotten."

His eyes filled with tears but he blinked them back before speaking. "I love you too…but I think we'll have to agree to disagree on this one."

"No. I'll just have to prove to you that you're worth the entire world to me."

"You can't…because I'm not."

"You are. To me…you are."

He shook his head, resting against me once again. I tightened my hold, resting my chin atop his head while his body shook with more sobs. It wasn't fair…of course it wasn't. This wasn't what he deserved. Not by a long shot. And the worst part was that I had no idea how to make it better. All I could do was hold him and tell him how much he meant to me…and that may not even be enough…


	9. 9 - Castiel

_Author's Note: Hey guys! I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far. This chapter focuses on more about Dean. His past and what brought him where is now. You'll also find out what's going on with John. Trigger Warning in this chapter…there's cutting at the very end. Skip it if it bothers you. Anyways, I hope you enjoy and remember to review. _

_True Rayanne Adaire_

**Chapter Nine**

_Castiel_

Gabe got out of the hospital two weeks later. He hadn't chosen to see Michael again, though our oldest brother had tried multiple times to visit him. Apparently, after Dean and I left the hospital, Michael had gone off on Lucifer. Some of the things he'd said had hit pretty hard and Gabe wasn't at all happy. It took a lot to get Gabe mad, but a sure-fire way to do that was to hurt someone he cared about. Michael had finally done just that. So he'd shut Michael out. We were happier this way, he said. Michael was a great big bag of dicks and we didn't need him. Still, we all knew it hurt him to do it and we didn't mention Michael's name anymore.

They hadn't caught John yet which scared Dean. He tried not to show it, especially in front of Sam, but it showed anyways. John, he told me one night in bed, wasn't mentally all there. He'd murdered their mother, Mary, by setting fire to her in Sam's bedroom. Of course, he'd sworn that he was innocent. A demon had killed her. A yellow eyed demon to be exact. Dean had rolled his eyes, burying his face against me, when he said that. They'd diagnosed John with Schizophrenia and locked him in a mental institution where he'd been since Sam was only 6 months old. He'd escaped numerous times and had even managed to keep Dean locked up somewhere for over a year. Every time he escaped, he came after Sam and Dean…trying to get them to go "Hunting" with him. He scared Dean and now that he'd escaped, it seemed he'd set his sights on Sam. Dean, like myself, was protective of his brother. He was the big brother, the protector, and the thought of John coming anywhere near him made him angry. Because John was still out there, Ellen and Bobby had taken to keeping the boys in the house most of the time. Sam, being the quiet bookworm, was quite fine with this arrangement. He hardly left the house anyways. Dean, however, didn't like it all too much. He didn't like being cooped up and he resented his father all the more for causing it.

I kept Dean occupied as best I could, not wanting him to get himself in trouble. It was not an easy job. Dean hated being indoors so much. He was an adventurer. He liked to be on the move. Unless he was working on his model cars, he wasn't fond of sitting still. We spent most of our time talking to Lucifer – he and Dean got along surprisingly well considering Lucifer normally hated people – and watching cheesy horror movies. Ash kept us company most of the time too and with Ash came Jo. Theirs was a…strange relationship to say the least but they were good together and they kept Dean out of trouble when I couldn't. Well…Ash did. Dean thought of Jo as a little sister and, as such, didn't listen to her too well. Most of the time, when she gave him an order, he'd simply cock an eyebrow at her and do the exact opposite. It was funny to watch…but after a while it'd get old and Jo would yell at him.

The first time I witnessed Dean having a night terror, I'd been a little scared. Now, it was almost habit. Ever since we heard that John was out on the loose, he'd been having them almost every night. He'd wake up, screaming and crying, and it would take hours for me to get him back to sleep. After a while, he started sleeping in my bed and that made them a little bit better but it didn't erase them completely. He wouldn't tell me what they were about, only that they were memories. Things that had happened during the year he'd been kidnapped by his dad. He'd only been eight years old when it happened and the memories were still pretty vivid.

"We're gonna head to bed guys." Sam said, leaning into Gabe's side.

The two hadn't spent a single night apart since Gabe got home from the hospital.

Dean glanced me, yawning. "Yeah I think I'll turn in too. Didn't get much sleep last night and it's nearly midnight."

I nodded, standing. "I'll come with you. I'm kind of tired myself."

Ash grinned, kissing Jo lightly on the lips. "You guys are going to miss the party."

Lucifer groaned, standing and making retching noises. "In that case I'm going to bed myself. Ain't no one here that wants to see you two act all cuddly and cute."

I laughed. "Night guys. See you in the morning."

Jo grinned at us. "Night Cas!"

Taking my hand, Dean led me back upstairs to our own room. In the room next to us, we could hear the usual sounds of Lucifer, Sam, and Gabe going to bed. Which, of course, meant that they were arguing. Rolling my eyes, I changed into a muscle shirt and a pair of shorts before climbing into bed. Dean simply stripped down to his boxers and climbed in beside me, looking apologetic.

"Why're you looking at me like that?" I asked as I flipped off the light.

"I just…I'm sorry you see this shit every night." He whispered, closing his eyes.

I wrapped my arms around his waist. "Hush. I do it because I want to. If I didn't, I'd head downstairs and sleep on the couch, love."

"I love you…" he whispered, voice fading as he fell asleep.

I kissed his lips, settling into his side. "I love you too Dean."

Sleep didn't last long for me, though. All too soon, I woke up to the sound of Dean's horrified screams. They were worse this time, though. Louder. There was more fear, more absolute anguish, in them and I wanted to cry at the sound. Instead, I pulled him closer and ran a hand through his sweaty hair.

"DAD NO!"

He was still screaming when he woke up and it took a few minutes for him to realize where he was. When he had, he jumped out of bed and pulled a long, thin blade out of his dresser drawer. There were tears coursing down his cheeks as I stood, walking over to join him on his bed. His hand was shaking as he tried to press the blade against his thigh and the cuts he made were jagged. When he was done, I took the handkerchief I always used on my own cuts and used it to wipe the blood from his. Leading him back to my bed, I pulled him into my arms and carded a hand through his hair.

"That was the worst one yet, love." I commented, kissing the top of his head.

"I…they're only getting worse. I don't know what to do anymore, Cas. It's like I'm reliving it all over again and I…I can't do this much longer…"

"Would talking about it help? Maybe…maybe it's bothering you so much because you're keeping it inside."

He paused, thinking about it. "I've never told anyone what happened. Not even Sammy. When they asked, I just told them he'd kept me in a dark room. I…you'd hate me."

I shook my head, tightening my arms around his waist. "I could never hate you, Dean. Ever."

"I'll tell you…but please…please don't let go of me. I…I don't want to say this without your arms around me."

I squeezed him gently. "I'll always hold you."

He sighed, closing his eyes. "I told you the beginning. How he found me at school and snatched me up. We traveled after that. A lot. He…uh…he thought we were hunting Demons and monsters and shit like that. We weren't. The…the things we were hunting were humans. He…he made me kill people. Kids, a pregnant woman he insisted was zombie, old people. I killed people. Innocent people. All because he swore he'd kill me if I refused. He said that if I didn't do what he told me to do, he'd have to send me back to Hell because obviously I couldn't be his son. I killed so many people over that year…I lost count."

I didn't hesitate. "Turn around and look at me."

Warily, he turned to face me. There were tears in his eyes, streaming down his cheeks, and I wiped them away with my thumb. I couldn't imagine what that must feel like. For your own father to force you to kill people. He'd been so young and yet he blamed himself for what his father had forced him to do. I rested our foreheads together, kissing him gently.

"It's not your fault. The blame for all of that belongs to John. He's the one that forced you to do that." I whispered.

His face broke. "How can you not hate me? I'm a murderer. A heartless fucking murderer."

I wiped yet another tear. "You are not a heartless anything. You feel remorse for what you did. Heartless people don't have remorse, love. They enjoy killing. Did you enjoy killing people?"

"Of course I didn't."

"Then there's your answer. You're human, babe. And this isn't your fault, love. None of it is your fault."

"I…I love you. I don't deserve you in the least…but I love you and…and please don't leave me. I…I…you're the only person I've ever trusted enough to tell that too and if you leave…I don't…I mean…I….please…"

I pulled him against my chest, laying us both down and flipping the light off again.

"I'm not going anywhere. Not now. Not ever. I love you Dean and I promise you I'm not going to leave. You have my heart…I kind of can't go anywhere without that. Now go back to sleep, love. I'll be right here if you have another night terror."

I kissed the top of his head, rubbing circles in his back as he sobbed weakly into my chest. Soon, he'd cried himself to sleep and I lay awake staring at the ceiling. I couldn't believe what I'd heard. John…John had forced his own son to kill. Laying there, one arm around Dean's waist and the other behind my head, I made myself a promise. I was never going to let anything happen to him. Not John. Not anyone. I would die before anything touched Dean Winchester. He was mine.

I hadn't been exaggerating when I'd said that Dean had my heart. He did. He'd taken it somehow and I didn't want it back. Why would I want my heart back when it was safer with him than it was anywhere else? Dean could hold onto it forever if he wanted to just as I would hold onto him forever. And always. No matter what tried to come between us. And it was this thought that sent me drifting into sleep…


	10. 10 - Dean

_Author's Note: Hey guys! Sorry about the long wait. I've been busy lately. Thankfully, I got time to update this today. Dean's confession in the last chapter was…unexpected for me just like I'm sure it was for you guys as well. The character just sort of grabbed me and told me what to write. So I did. That confession is NOT going to cause any problems nor is Castiel going to tell anyone. It's a part of Dean's past that will stay there. Anyways, I hope you're enjoying the story and remember to review. _

_True Rayanne Adaire._

**Chapter Ten**

_Dean_

When I woke up the next morning, I couldn't help but to stare at Cas. He was sleeping peacefully, his arms around my waist, and I couldn't help but to notice how much younger he looked while he was sleeping. Again, as I stared at his sleeping face, it hit me how lucky I was. Cas was gorgeous. He could have literally anyone he wanted. Male or female, though he assured me that he didn't like girls that way. And he'd chosen me. Dean Winchester. A broken, deformed, and mentally fucked up teenager with more problems than I could handle on my own. He'd chosen me. The thought never failed to make me smile and I found myself burying my face in his chest once more, relishing the feel of his arms around me. Slowly, I felt him start to wake up and turned my face to look up at him. He was blinking down at me, his brilliant blue eyes still half closed in sleep, and I pushed myself up to give him a gentle kiss. He returned it lazily before tugging me back onto his chest and closing his eyes again, burying his face against my hair. I glanced at the clock and realized that it was almost one in the afternoon.

"It's past noon, love." I said softly, laughing as he groaned and pulled me even closer.

"Don' wanna get up yet." He muttered, squeezing me tightly.

I laughed. "Me neither but we've gotta make some kind of appearance today. Ellen and Bobby might think we died."

He pulled back to gaze at me. "We can come back after? I don't feel like being around everyone today…"

"Of course, love. I kinda don't feel like spending a lot of time around everyone either. We can come back here and cuddle and stuff after we eat."

"I'm not going to put proper clothes on then."

"Me neither."

And we didn't. Cas threw on a t-shirt (he was already wearing shorts and a muscle shirt) and I tossed on a pair of pajama pants as we headed down to the kitchen to get some breakfast. The house was quiet as we headed down, the only sound coming from the living room, and I wondered idly what was going on. Sam was standing in the kitchen, talking to Ash as we walked in.

"Ellen wants you to head to the living room. Chuck's here to talk to you and your brothers. I was just about to head up there." Sam said, giving us an apologetic glance.

Cas rolled his eyes. "What'd I do this time?" he wondered, pecking my lips before leaving the room.

I yawned as I grabbed a glass of orange juice and a donut from the counter. Sitting next to Sam, I started to eat before noticing the look on my little brother's face. Frowning, I downed my orange juice and raised an eyebrow at him.

"What's wrong Sammy?"

He shook his head at me, frowning slightly. "It's nothing…"

"Samuel Winchester. Just tell me already kid." I said, leaning back in my seat.

"Just…your night terrors are getting worse, aren't they?"

He was worried about me. "Sammy, quit bein' a worrywart. I'll be okay. It's just the first time in a long while that I've had 'em." I said, patting him on the back.

"You've woken up screaming every night of the week so far, Dean. Last night, you scared Lucifer. He thought someone was in the house or somethin'."

"I'm sorry Sammy. I'm workin' on it. I promise."

He gave me a look I knew all too well. "Dean, if you wanna talk about it I'm here."

I held up a hand. "No chick flick moments kid. 'Sides, I've already talked about it. I'll be okay. Quit worryin' about me already."

He sighed but didn't say anything and I was glad he'd let the conversation drop. It wasn't that I didn't trust Sam, I just didn't feel like talking about the dreams with him. Sam was the little brother, I was the big brother. Big brothers did not talk about stuff like that with their little brothers. Not this big brother at least. He could come to me with his problems any day and I'd help him…but he was not going to shoulder my shit. No way in Hell.

Sighing, I leaned back and waited for Cas to come back. Ash had taken off out of the kitchen with Jo, leaving Sam and I alone in the kitchen. It was quiet enough that, if I listened closely enough, I could hear voices in the living room. One in particular was the loudest, seeming to scream something before the other one took over. Gabriel and Cas were screaming…but not at each other. Frowning, I listened closer and heard Lucifer say something else in a low, dark voice, before the living room door opened and slammed again. A few seconds later, Lucifer entered the kitchen. His blonde hair was disheveled and he looked pissed. He gave Sam and I a look before he said anything.

"You guys might wanna be on your feet when your men come out. They're likely to drag you by the hair to your rooms." He said, listening to Gabe and Cas screaming again.

"What happened?" I asked and Lucifer sighed.

"They'll tell you. Just…give them time." He answered evenly, his fists clenching at his sides.

Before I could reply, the living room door smashed open and Gabe rushed in, followed soon after by Cas. Like Lucifer had said, Gabe grabbed Sam's hand and yanked him out of the room. Cas, however, just grabbed my hand and held it for a long while. He stared at me, his expression dark, before Lucifer spoke in a low voice.

"Cas...just tell him what happened. He needs to know. Go to your room, though. I don't want anyone else hearing you lose it like that."

My blue-eyed angel nodded, pulling me along silently until we reached our room. As soon as the door was shut, he sank down onto the bed and growled. There was anger in face and fear too and I wondered what was going on. In the room next to us, Gabe was yelling and Sam was talking in a quiet voice and I wondered if Chuck had found out about the relationships and decided to move them. Gulping at the horrible thought, I sat down next to Cas and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

"What's wrong angel?"

"He escaped. Balthazar fucking escaped and he's looking for us…"

"How the fuck did he escape?"

Cas shrugged, leaning against me. "They don't know. He's just…gone. And no one knows where the fuck he's gone to."

"It's going to be okay Cas. I promise. I won't let anything happen to you."

"I…I don't want him to…hurt you." He whispered, voice catching in his throat.

I kissed the side of his head. "He won't hurt me babe. Trust me. Come on, love. Let's get back in bed."

He nodded, standing up and removing his t-shirt and muscle shirt. I removed my own clothes before laying down next to him and pulling him into my arms. Cas curled against me, pressing his head to my chest, as we fell asleep. This time, there were no nightmares for either of us. As long as he was in my arms…I was safe and so was he. That was all that mattered.


	11. 11 - Castiel

_Author's Note: Hey guys! So this chapter was a little…difficult to write. But I finally finished it. Sorry about the longer than usual wait. I've been immersed in Blue Exorcist (anime) for the last few days and I've only just emerged. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter and remember to view. Thanks for reading!_

_True Rayanne Adaire_

**Chapter Eleven**

_Castiel_

Dean and I slept until late that night. I hadn't meant to fall asleep but I'd been so exhausted…and I felt safe with Dean. Sleep just sort of happened. When I woke up, I didn't feel any better. It didn't surprise me, of course. How could I feel better when Balthazar was on the loose? He was the second oldest, only younger than Michael, and he was…powerful. Gabe, Lucifer, and I had been scared of him our entire lives. Even before our parents passed away he had been the one thing we feared. Anything else we could handle…but not Balthazar. He was…terrifying. Even to Lucifer which was saying something. Lucifer was scared of almost literally nothing. In fact, the only two things I'd ever known Lucifer to be scared of were Balthazar and our father.

"What's wrong babe?" Dean asked, pressing a kiss to my forehead.

"I'm scared," I admitted quietly. "Balthazar…he's…he's terrifying. I don't want him to find me again."

Dean's arms tightened around me. "That's not gonna happen, Cas. I won't let him come anywhere near you. I promise."

I sighed, opening my mouth to argue but found that I couldn't speak properly. My throat was tight and the room was spinning. A panic attack. I'd had them before, but it had been a long time since the last one and I'd been hoping that I had seen the last of them. Through the haze of fear that was currently choking me, I looked up at Dean and tried to focus on him…on something that wasn't the overwhelming terror that was coursing through my veins at the moment.

"Cas? Babe you okay?"

I shook my head before burying it against his chest. It felt like there was a weight on my chest, pressing against my heart until every beat was painful and I wanted to cry but I had no energy. All I could think about was Balthazar and Balthazar hurting Dean like he'd hurt me and that alone was enough to send tears rolling down my cheeks. Dean was still talking, and I couldn't breathe still. And then a cool hand touched my forehead, Lucifer's voice speaking calmly from somewhere above me and I was slowly calming down. When I had calmed enough to move, I glanced up and saw that Lucifer was sitting on the edge of the bed, his hand on my forehead and his voice low and quiet and soothing. I was grateful, suddenly, that Lucifer was there. For some reason, though Lucifer was normally the meaner triplet, he was also the only one that could pull me out of a panic attack like that one.

"Sorry Luci…I haven't had a panic attack in forever."

"It's all right bro. Get some rest. I'll bring dinner up for you guys later but for now I'm gonna give you and Dean some time."

I frowned, wondering why he was so quick to leave, but a look at Dean told me everything I needed to know. My boyfriend's brilliant green eyes were focused on my face, bright and worried and fucking terrified and I found myself agreeing with Lucifer. Though I loved my brother and I was grateful to him for helping me, I needed to calm both Dean and myself down a little before doing anything else. Giving Lucifer a ghost of a smile, I turned my complete attention to Dean.

"Dean? What's wrong?" I whispered, placing my hand on his cheek.

He tried to smile, leaning his face into my hand. "You scared me is all."

"I'm sorry, love. I haven't had a panic attack in years. I'd forgotten how intense they were…"

He tugged me against him, running a hand through my hair in an attempt to calm both of us down. It was one of his little quirks. When he was nervous or scared or anything that wasn't a positive emotion, Dean liked to run his fingers through my hair. It calmed him and it usually calmed me as well. After a few minutes, he spoke in a soft voice.

"Lucifer seemed like he'd been through it a lot."

I nodded. "He has. When we were still living with Balthazar, I had panic attacks on a daily basis. Lucifer was the only one that could really snap me out of it. We're the same age but…he's more like an older brother."

"Oh."

There was something in his voice, an emotion I couldn't quite place, and I found myself looking up at him. He was staring at me, his brilliant green eyes searching my face. I understood suddenly what he was looking for and spoke again, this time into his shoulder.

"You'll be able to snap me out of it too, you know. I can tell you what to do."

"You don't have to…" he whispered and I pressed my lips against his throat gently.

"I want to. Lucifer won't always be here to do it and if I'm not snapped out of it, things can get really bad."

"Okay."

"All you have to do is hold me like you're doing right now. Run your fingers across my scalp and talk to me. Doesn't matter what you talk about…just as long as I can hear your voice. I might struggle a little at first but it gets easier."

"That doesn't sound hard."

"It depends on how bad the attack is."

He was quiet, thinking for a long moment. "I'll never let anything happen to you, you know that right?"

I nodded, feeling tears rise in my chest again. "I know. But I don't want him hurting you either. I love you. I can't let him do to you what he did to me. It hurts. Badly."

His lips touched my hair. "Don't worry so much. You'll give yourself another panic attack and you look exhausted enough as it is."

"I am exhausted. Feel like I've been run over by an eighteen wheeler. I could probably sleep for a century."

He pulled the blankets around us again, cuddling me close and I felt safe. "Then go to sleep babe. I'll be here."

"I'm scared to sleep. I don't want to…don't want to relive it all again. Nightmares suck and I don't think I can handle them right now." I whispered, hiding my face in his chest.

"What if I wake you up when you start having one? You need to sleep, love. You'll wear yourself out."

I considered that for a minute before nodding. "Okay. But don't let me get too far into the nightmare. Please. I…I don't want to feel it."

"I won't. I promise."

Dean pressed his lips against my hair again, tightening his hold on me as I closed my eyes. I really was exhausted. Though I'd slept most of the day, I was mentally and emotionally drained and I really just wanted to sleep. I was terrified that I'd have another nightmare but Dean's arms were warm and safe and I knew he'd keep his promise. Dean wouldn't let me hurt myself. Not even my nightmares. I opened my eyes and stared into his for a heartbeat.

"I love you Dean."

My voice trailed off at the end as I fell into sleep. Sleep claimed me quickly and I just barely heard Dean's quiet voice whispering that he loved me too. This time, there were no nightmares.


	12. 12 - Dean

_Author's Note: Hey guys! Not too much going on in this chapter. But there's some family interaction here and a little fluff. I seem to be incredibly good at writing fluff so…it somehow makes its way into each chapter. Anyways, I hope you enjoy the chapter and remember to review._

_True Rayanne Adaire_

**Chapter Twelve**

_Dean_

The next morning, Cas and I woke to the sound of someone knocking on the door. Yawning, Cas called out for them to come in and sat up. I sat up beside him, not at all happy with being woken up at six in the morning on a summer day. Sam, Gabe, and Lucifer walked in and sat down, giving us identical eye rolls when we glared at them.

"Why are you in our room at six in the morning? Some people do sleep you know." Cas demanded, glaring as Lucifer laughed.

Sam nodded, leaning heavily against Gabe's side. "We're wondering the same thing. Luci dragged us out of bed and in here."

Lucifer smirked, rolling his eyes at us. "We're going to talk about what happened. And we're going to decide what to do about it because obviously we can't leave it up to anyone official to protect us."

Cas yawned, throwing himself back against the bed. "And we couldn't have done this later? You know, when it's actually acceptable to be awake."

"No. Because I'm awake now. I may be sleeping later."

Gabe looked like he wanted to throw something. Instead, he wrapped an arm around Sam and rested his cheek against the top of his head.

"Can we just get it on with? I'm exhausted. Sam couldn't sleep last night which meant I couldn't either. I'd like to sleep a little." Gabe demanded, glaring at Lucifer.

"All right. First off, we've gotta talk about the fact that both John Winchester and Balthazar are lurking about. Which means everyone in this room is in danger. And by danger I mean if we're found we're fucked. We've all seen what John's capable of but Sam and Dean have no idea what Balthazar is capable of."

I gulped, looking around. "Actually, I sort of haven't told you everything about John. There's more you guys should know about him…" I said, sharing a meaningful look with Cas.

"Dean, are you sure you want to tell them? You barely got through telling me." Cas said, putting a hand on my arm.

I nodded. "Yeah, they need to know. Besides, I have you here. I'll get through it."

"Okay."

Lucifer glanced between us. "What do you mean?"

Cas tightened his arms around my waist. "John…he's schizophrenic. Thinks he sees demons and…other fictional bullshit everywhere. That part you know. You know he beat the shit out of me. That he kidnapped me. What no one…besides Cas…knows is what really happened during that year he had me." I paused, looking into Cas' blue eyes before I could continue. "I was only eight years old. Terrified. He…he forced me to kill people. A lot of them. Said he'd kill me if I didn't. And he would have. He'd have killed me in a heartbeat. John's capable of murder. Flat out murder."

Sam's eyes were wide. "You…you said you didn't remember anything." He whispered.

"I didn't want to tell anyone. I only told Cas when the nightmares started up again and it got to be too much for me to handle on my own. You can't tell anyone else. That information doesn't leave this room. As far as the police go, John committed those murders."

Everyone shook their heads, agreeing that they weren't going to tell anyone. It was a long few minutes before Lucifer spoke again, his voice slightly hesitant.

"Now that we know that, you guys need to know what Balthazar is like. What he's capable of. I'll tell you what I know but Gabe and Cas will eventually have to take over. I…Balthazar was afraid of me. He wouldn't do much to me. No matter how hard I tried to keep him away from them."

Cas nodded, leaning against me heavily. This was hard for him. Balthazar was still a touchy subject for him. He still had nightmares nearly every night about his older brother and I wasn't sure I wanted him to have to go through it all again but I knew he'd insist on doing it.

"Maybe we shouldn't do this." Sam said, giving Gabe a small glance. Gabe was white-faced, shaking, and honestly looked as though he was going to be sick.

"Me too. I…Cas still has nightmares. I don't want him to have to go through that again. Besides, I've heard everything Cas has to say about Balthazar."

Sam nods, flashing me a grateful smile. "So have I. Gabe and I talked about it. Balthazar is dangerous. We get that."

Lucifer frowns, looking uncertainly between his two brothers. I can see it then, how close they are. It's hard to tell sometimes because they're so different, but at times like this it's obvious. They're triplets, closer than even Sam and I, and the look Lucifer gives each of them is enough to make me smile. He'd die for them. It's obvious by the look on his face that he would die to protect them. I look around at each of them and a warmth settles in my stomach as I realize that I'd do the same. I'd die for them as well. All of them.


	13. 13 - Castiel

_Author's Note: Hey guys. Sorry about the long update time. I moved and there's been a lot going lately. But I've finally had time to sit down and work on my fics. I hope you like and please remember to review. _

_True Rayanne Adaire_

**Chapter Thirteen**

_Castiel_

Weeks turned to months and still no one had found John and Balthazar. Everyone was on edge and we kept fighting with each other. Even Dean and I were fighting so much lately that I sometimes wondered if we were going to last. Still, I didn't actually expect to break up until it happened. It was late and we were arguing – again – over something that probably didn't matter at all.

"DAMN IT CAS WHY CAN'T YOU JUST SHUT UP?!" Dean yelled, shoving my chest backwards a little.

"FINE! I'LL NEVER FUCKING TALK AGAIN. WILL THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY?!" I yelled back, my voice shaking.

"YEAH. YEAH IT WILL! ALL YOU'VE BEEN DOING LATELY IS CAUSING FIGHTS ANYWAYS!"

"I haven't been doing anything Dean. You're the one causing fights. But if you want to yell at me and shove me around…then it's over. We're done." I said, my voice shaking with tears I knew I'd shed when I climbed into bed alone.

"Cas…Cas don't do this. Please…"

"It's already done Dean."

I climbed into bed, turning to face the wall. Grabbing a pillow, I wrapped my arms around it and sobbed into it until my throat ached and my face was numb. Why did shit like this always happen to me? I only wanted to be happy…to be loved. Why couldn't I ever have what I wanted? Balthazar, I thought, ruined everything. He always found a way to take my happiness and send it through the fucking shredder. I sobbed like that, listening to Dean's quiet tears behind me, until finally I fell asleep.

I woke to Gabe sitting on the bed behind me. His eyes were red-rimmed and he looked like he hadn't slept all night. I sat up and leaned against the headboard beside him. For a while, neither of us said anything. Then, he spoke and tears glittered in his eyes and rolled down his pale face.

"He broke up with me. Sam. I…we fought last night about the…the fucking blanket…and he…I don't know what to do Cas…I…I lost him."

I wrapped an arm around him. "I know how you feel. I broke up with Dean last night. We fought…I don't even remember what about…and he shoved me…and I ended it."

Silently, I started to cry along with Gabe. He held me a little tighter and whispered, "Fucking Balthazar. This wouldn't have happened if he hadn't gotten loose. We'd still be happy…"

"I know. I thought the same thing last night."

"I…I don't think I can stay here anymore, Cas. I…Sam…I can't look at him every day."

"Me neither. I…don't want to leave. But looking at Dean would kill me. I can't do that again. I just…I can't."

"Lucifer will want to come with us if we go." Gabe said softly, thoughtfully.

"He has to stay here. To take care of Sam and Dean. I…I don't want them hurt."

"All right. I'll…uh…I'll go grab him."

Twenty minutes later, Gabe returned with Lucifer who was carrying two plates of food. He set one down beside me and the other next to Gabe. He looked…pissed. Stone-faced and silent, he stared at me.

"You're running. Again." He said.

"Yeah. We are. And you're staying here. Protect them. It…may be over with Dean and I…but I…I can't have him hurt. Please…Lucifer…please…"

"Oh, I'm staying. I don't agree with what happened last night at all. You shattered Dean's heart all because of a fight. I get it Cas, the tensions are high right now. But you broke his heart right when he needed you the most. And Gabe…Sam didn't mean that it was over with the two of you…he just needed air. He told you to get out so he could calm down. You're the one that ended it. Not him."

Gabe shrugged. "We're leaving."

"Fine. Get your shit and go. I'll protect my family since you two won't."

He left, his back rigid and I threw my food at the wall. Reaching under the bed, I grabbed a notebook and started to write Dean a letter.

_Dean,_

_I'm leaving. I…I love you and I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry, okay? I just…I can't look at you and know that I fucked up so badly. I can't. And I can't beg for you to come back to me either because that's wrong. I'm sorry. I love you Dean Winchester. I always have and I always will. Be safe. I…I can't say goodbye…but I will say this: whenever we meet again, I hope you've found happiness._

_Castiel._

I set the letter on Dean's bed and turned to open the window. Before I could climb out, Dean's voice sounded from behind me.

"Cas wait! Please!"

_Author's Note: I'm sorry! That was harsh! What do you guys think will happen? Will Cas leave? Or will Dean convince him to stay?_

_T.R.A._


	14. 14 - Dean

**Chapter Fourteen**

_Dean_

My heart stopped when Lucifer uttered the words, 'they're leaving' to Sam and I. I'd known things were bad…Cas and I had broken up the night before after all, but I hadn't thought it was this bad. I glanced at Sam, seeing a look of shock and pain….and remorse on his face so strong that it almost sent me to my knees. Instead, I ran. I ran like hell to the room Cas and I shared. He and Gabe stood at the window, staring out of it as though trying to find a reason to stay. Cas' back was shaking, Gabe's was rigid. They were grieving in their own way. Cas crying and Gabe shoving the emotions away, trying to hype himself up. I couldn't let this happen. Cas couldn't leave me.

"CAS WAIT! …please…"

He turned, bright blue eyes filling with more tears as they settled on my face. Beside me, Sam was stepping towards Gabe, his eyes filling with tears. I fixed my entire focus on Cas, on the man I loved. He took a hesitant step towards me and then took it back, looking uncertain. God I'd screwed up so much.

"If you leave I'm going with you. You…I'm sorry. I'm sorry okay? I'm sorry I fucked up last night. I'm sorry we keep fighting. I'm sorry. Just don't leave me behind. I…I can't lose you Cas. Not you too. Everyone and everything else….just not you. Never you." I whispered, tears rolling unchecked down my cheeks.

"It was me that fucked up. I…I shouldn't have ended things with you like that. I…I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

He was whispering apologies even as I pulled him into my arms, tucking his head beneath my chin. Rocking him back and forth, I turned to cast a look at Gabe and Sam. Gabe had Sam pressed against the wall and was kissing him as though they'd been apart centuries. I smiled. Didn't look like anyone was leaving today. Not without us at least. Cas pulled away to kiss me, effectively ending my thoughts.

"So are you two done being idiots?" Lucifer asked from the doorway and Cas turned red.

"Yes. I'm sorry Lucifer. I…didn't think."

Lucifer's face softened. "It's all right. I'm just glad no one's leaving."

Cas nodded, looking upset again and I kissed him. "Stop mentioning leaving. You make him feel bad every time you do. It's okay. We're all staying and that's that." I said to Lucifer, kissing the top of Cas' head.

"I'm sorry Cas. I just…I am not being left behind again. You and Gabe run every time something happens and I'm always left behind and I can't do that anymore. I can't be left again guys. I…I can't handle it. No matter how strong you think I am, I'm not."

"We won't do it again." Gabe promised, his arms tightly around Sam.

"Don't promise that. Just…promise you'll take me with you next time. If we're together, it isn't so bad. But apart…guys I can't do that."

He stood in the doorway, watching his brothers a little awkwardly before they ran for him, hugging him so tightly he probably couldn't breathe. When he could talk, he motioned for Sam and I to join the hug, smiling widely through his tears. We stayed like that for a long while, not wanting to let go of our small family.

_AN: Hey guys. So I know that was short and the "we're back together, I'm staying" part was really quick…but I meant it that way. Neither Cas or Sam meant what they did…as soon as they saw Gabe and Dean…it was over. They knew they were gonna go back as soon as they saw them. And Lucifer…the next chapter has a bit of his background in it as well. Although, you should probably be warned. I have a sequel planned for that one. I'm also going to be abandoning "Broken Silence" for a bit to work on a fic that I think you guys are going to love. It's an Outsiders fanfic that I've been given permission to work on since the author never updates anymore. She's actually gonna let me work on both of her stories. One of them being an HP fic and one being an Outsiders fic. So look forward to that. ____ And if you haven't read The Outsiders, you can always watch the movie. It's amazing and you'll get caught up really fast if you can't find the book. Anyways, I hope you enjoy and remember to review. _

_T.R.A._


	15. 15 - Castiel

**Chapter Fifteen**

_Castiel_

After the…ordeal, the five us decided to move into one room together. Gabe and Sam took Dean's bed and Lucifer moved his along the wall between us. It was nice even though my night terrors hadn't gone away. Dean and I weren't fighting anymore, though, and I knew I'd make it through this with his support. The hardest thing about staying together was watching Gabe's nightmares. Lucifer and I had always had nightmares…and we'd oftentimes helped each other though them. Gabe…he was different. He didn't like us seeing that so he didn't let us. His nightmares were…vivid. He'd wake up swinging at anything but Sam. It was Sam who could calm him, Sam that was exempt from his "hit anything that moves" rule when he came out of the nightmare. Sam calmed him easier than anyone could…but it was still difficult to watch. Almost too difficult.

I woke up in the middle of the night, my breathing heavy and my heart racing. Balthazar's smell, though rationally I knew it wasn't real, was everywhere and I felt like my lungs would burst if I took another breath. Burying my face in Dean's chest, I took a deep breath and let it out again. Dean ran a hand through my hair, sleepily asking me if I was all right and I shook my head, not able to speak. He sat up, green eyes the only thing I could see in the darkness, and pulled me against his chest without a word. I held him tightly, trying to calm down so he could at least get back to sleep.

"I hate him." Dean whispered, his voice angry.

"I know. So do I."

And I did. Regardless of what he was to me, I still hated Balthazar. He'd broken me…shattered everything I thought I was and it was too much. Too much to handle. I broke then, sobbing into Dean's chest until my throat hurt and my face was numb. His arms were tight and safe and I let go of the pain until the only thing that was left was the two of us. When I came out of the pain-induced trance I'd been in, Lucifer was sitting on the edge of the bed.

"You okay Cas?" he asked and I nodded.

"I'll be fine now."

"I hate seeing you cry like that..." he said and I tilted my head.

"You used to hear it all the time, I'm sure."

He grimaced. "I didn't actually. At first, I'd stay around and listen to you...but it got too hard to handle. I started going for a walk instead. That's how I met...well nevermind."

"Who? Who'd you meet?"

"His name was Adam. He's a bit younger than me but...his mom was okay with it. With us. I...uh...I fell in love with him."

"What happened to him?"

"He's still there...we broke up when I got put here. He...he said he'd wait but I haven't been able to go there to him."

"You should find him. Tell him you still love him."

"I do. Of course I do. But...I'm no good. Not for him. Adam is...he's pure. He's good. He's...everything."

"Tell him how you feel. You'll feel a million time better." Sam whispered, looking at Gabe with wide eyes.

"He's right bro. You gotta tell 'im."

"Fine. I'll...talk to him tomorrow. I promise. I'll even have Ellen go with me."

"Good. Now let's get some sleep."

"All right." Lucifer paused. "Hey Cas?"

"Yeah?" I asked, already falling asleep again.

"I love you kid."

"I love you too. But I'm not a kid. We're the same age."

"But you're smaller."

"Shut up."

I fell asleep to the sound of my brother's laughter and Dean's heartbeat. The best sounds in the world...

_AN: Hey. So this chapter is a little short but it accomplished what I needed. :) I hope you enjoyed and remember to review. I may not be updating for a while, I've got CNA classes I'm gonna be starting pretty soon but I'll update on the weekends. I promise. Anyways, hope you enjoyed and remember to review. _

_TRA_


End file.
